…It feels wrong. There’s so much going on that it feels akin to a heavy weight, a heavy weight on my back that I liken to an invisible black swirling mass of smoke constantly feeding on my lack of creation. It is a creature with teeth, a creature with a sucker for a mouth ringed by tiny piercing fangs, and that sucker is attached to my cerebrum, perpetually feeding the doubt and uselessness I feel whilst feeding off of my negativity and lack of positive outcomes.
It may sound somewhat on the melodramatic side, but I’m a writer, what do you expect? I can’t help but give into my whims of imagination and this is what happens when I’m not working like I could be. I feel so many different things because without writing I am not whole. That’s how it really feels. I shit you not.
The last few months I haven’t been very much up to scratch when it comes to writing, mainly because of my health, but even with health problems I can write a little bit here and there. The main problem is I’ve fallen out of a return that can nourish my writing ability and the feelings of pure suck pushes me down to a point where I find it hard to begin again. It’s a shitty little cycle of wanting to write and create and knowing the only way to avoid the soul sucking doubt is to write, but that lack of writing breeds that doubt.
Don’t get me wrong because there are aspects of my life that I’m happy with. I have a wonderful partner, I have family, I have friends, and I’m alive and mobile to an extent, but writing seems to be the cohesion I’m missing. Writing is almost like oxygen. I say almost because without oxygen I’d die, obviously, and whilst writing and creating can make me feel whole in a way nothing else can, it’s not going to kill me if I can’t write, but it does feel like writing is a function that needs to be part and parcel of my existence.
I’m now working on getting my shit together and re-creating a schedule because I can’t live without writing. Writing is like my mistress and I’m a reformed man whore who can’t give up their side salad. I’m a cartoon police officer that if you see me without my doughnuts it’s akin to seeing a pirate without a parrot.
Active writing is also what saves me, and everyone else, from some seriously crappy similes and metaphors…