Bonnie Sparks Writes

…fiction and discusses editing, writing, mental illness, chronic conditions, bunnies, food, fitness, and geeky topics.

My History with Choking Phobia: Origins

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Fucked up FridayIt’s Fucked up Friday time! It’s a chance for me to share health based posts, circling around life with M.E., Type 1 Diabetes, General Anxiety Disorder, Social Phobia, Panic Disorder, Obsessive and Disordered Thoughts, Choking Phobia, Depression, Paranoia, Pulmonary Embolism recovery and getting my life back on track. I always feel like I’ve missed something there, but how many issues can you have? Seriously? Bah!

As you can see, Fucked up Friday isn’t in the title. I don’t want to offend anyone. However, Fucked up Friday has a certain ring to it and it’s me having a bit of fun with the kaleidoscope of health issues I have. I feel it’s best not to dwell too seriously on these issues. Take them seriously, yes, but don’t dwell negatively and let them take over your life. Henceforth, this will be the last use of the term Fucked up Friday in this post. Huzzah!

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I have news regarding my choking phobia progress, but I thought before I shared it I would fill you all in on my history with choking phobia. Just to give you a bit of an idea of where I’m coming from and why I’m feeling so pleased with myself over something so supposedly ordinary.

This will probably be in several parts because, you know, thirty years of crazy.

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I do not know where my fear of choking came from. As an adult I eat slowly, but as a child I was able to eat with gusto and not consider the consequences. That’s right, the consequences of eating. This is how choking phobia can warp your perceptions. It takes something so natural and turns it into a potential threat. A threat you know you need to survive and this makes it even more of a mind-fuck.

I remember having a fear of swallowing certain things as a child; seeds, chewing gum, and nuts. These are just a few, but I know they’re the main ones children are warned to be careful with, understandably.

In my family it was watermelon seeds coupled with the warning of said seeds sprouting in your stomach. This was my most dreaded fear. I’d have horrifying images of plants growing in my guts and taking over my body (parents should know; don’t tell your children such things if they have vivid and wild imaginations).

Other than seeds, nuts, and chewing gum, I began to be wary of drinking from soft drink cans where bees, wasps, rocks, dirt, germs, and ring-pulls could hide, and straws would find their way into your oesophagus. It got so out of hand, as I grew, I feared anything that could be hiding in darker liquids, or drinking vessels with murky insides.

The fear didn’t end there. It progressed to include tomato skins, phloem bundles on bananas, chicken skin, and basically anything stringy, or long. Boneless fish was never safe either, I’d always find bones, and steak became too exhausting to consider eating as well.

All of this… bullshit didn’t begin as a straight forward choking phobia. It progressed from paranoia about items in my body, to anything entering my body that shouldn’t. I guess you could say it was more of a fear of being damaged on the inside. I was wary of injury when I was a child, still am now, people don’t realise I had an interesting childhood. There was already pain coming from so many different places, I don’t think I could handle more. The fear has always been there. I can feel it bubbling up as I type this, trying to take over my mind and turn my thoughts against me. It’s always there, unfortunately, and I don’t know if it will ever go away, but I know the wonder of being fine after performing scary actions is winning.

Next Fucked up Friday: My History with Choking Phobia: Adulthood

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Author: Bonnie

Between a blogging addiction, hosting reading challenges, reviewing, writing novels, and overcoming a neuro-immune disease, Bonnie attempts to do as many awesome things as she can and has a good dose of daily bunny cuddles. She resides in Western Sydney with her rabbit, Winston.

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