It’s Fucked up Friday time! It’s a chance for me to share health based posts, circling around life with M.E., Type 1 Diabetes, General Anxiety Disorder, Social Phobia, Panic Disorder, Obsessive and Disordered Thoughts, Choking Phobia, Depression, Paranoia, Pulmonary Embolism recovery and getting my life back on track. I always feel like I’ve missed something there, but how many issues can you have? Seriously? Bah!
As you can see, Fucked up Friday isn’t in the title. I don’t want to offend anyone. However, Fucked up Friday has a certain ring to it and it’s me having a bit of fun with the kaleidoscope of health issues I have. I feel it’s best not to dwell too seriously on these issues. Take them seriously, yes, but don’t dwell negatively and let them take over your life. Henceforth, this will be the last use of the term Fucked up Friday in this post. Huzzah!
I’m pretty sure I’ve mentioned a few aversions I have in the past, and I know I will be mentioning them again in the future. At first I thought it might be a good idea to post about it in order to reference it in other posts and avoid sounding like a broken record. I typed up a draft about my aversions, or at least the strongest ones, and then stopped. I became too irritated to keep going. I left the post for a few days, came back to it, and then reread it.
Fortunately I didn’t become irritated, but I was left uneasy by the end of my read through. I admit I tried to read as fast as I could so I wouldn’t linger. Then I had a better idea. I thought it best to post about my aversions to certain things, aggravations included, so other’s can get an idea of what it is like being in someone’s head… Someone with aversions… I’m aware these aversions are linked to something, but I’m not sure what. I am a person with mental illness. There are too many disorders and mental illnesses out there for me to know exactly which my aversions are linked to. So therefore I am a person with mental illness and you are welcome to see inside my head when it comes to a part of it.
My housemates play netball with friends and against other netball teams. I have never played with them and have only gone to see one game. I’m not much into sports. If I’m going to be sitting down where a game is on, I would prefer to be doing something constructive with my brain, or actually playing the game.
Recently they were short a player and one of my housemates asked me if I wanted to play. They may not have been, but I assumed their question was a joke. Even if I was sure they weren’t joking, I would still say no. Apart from competitive jerks making what should be a fun healthy activity potentially traumatising and my lack of love for the game, my aversions would keep me from playing Netball.
Aversion No.1 – Sleeves and Wispy Things: I hate the feel of sleeve hems. Hate them. I can barely tolerate loose, short sleeves from my own clothing (I prefer wearing tighter sleeves), but if someone else’s sleeve hem brushes against me… Just thinking about it makes me feel sick, suffocated, and gives me a headache from the force of my discomfort. It doesn’t have to be sleeves to get me feeling uncomfortable, but can be anything dangly and wispy brushing against my legs and arms. Mostly my arms though and mostly sleeves.
Classic Examples No1: Laces protruding too far out from my shoes and brushing against my ankles can seriously put me on edge. I’m not always going to be able to avoid it and I try not to let it completely derail me, but it will irritate me. I’ll attempt to ignore it, but it’s always there.
Classic Examples No.2: I have two pairs of gym pants. One is snug all the way down, which makes me happy, but the other one is only snug till just below my knees. Most of the time I’m fine with the latter ones, but every now and again the hem of them will brush against my skin during certain activities and it’s all I can do to not scream in frustration.
Aversion No.2 – Personal Space Invasion: I don’t have an aversion to touching or being touched. I can be a very cuddly and affectionate person. I go along with people wanting to hug me, kiss my cheek, bump fists, high five, touch my hair, grab my hands to look at my rings, playful punch my arm and pat my cheek. I can handle all that and I don’t even mind some of it. I’ll get into people’s space and allow them into mine without too much problem… well… depending on the people of course.
If I don’t like someone and they touch me, I will feel very ill. Of course this is going to happen, you can’t like everyone you meet or have to greet with a ‘greet hug’, but I will still feel ill. I’ll hide it of course. Sorry if we’ve had a greet-hug and you now question whether I felt ill afterwards. I prefer not to hug when first meeting someone, but have come to accept it will happen in certain cultures so I just deal.
Stop, Note Time: As mentioned in the beginning of this post, I became irritated writing it up, and this is the place where I’m at my worst. Please don’t be offended if you are easily offended. I’m actually a very agreeable, sensitive, and caring person. I wish no one any harm and I will always be polite, I can’t help it. Ok, carry on!
Classic Example No.1: What really sets me on edge with invasions of your personal space is when strangers are far too close. Take standing in a queue for instance. WHY DO YOU HAVE TO STAND SO CLOSE? Seriously, why do people have to stand so close you can feel them without being touched? I don’t understand it! Do they think someone is going to push in front of them? Well, it’s going to be difficult when there’s no space between us, so calm down.
This sets off my other aversion of things touching me. I hate it when people touch me with their stupid bags because they are so god damn close and then they touch my bag by accident. STOP TOUCHING MY BAG. You don’t need to be so close as to touch someone’s belongings by accident, or to brush against them with your stupid belongings by accident. GET OUT OF MY FACE!
If I ever feel you breathing down the back of my neck I am going to mark you for the vitriolic hate sprouting in my imagination and include you in a book where none of the characters will like you and you will die a gruesome death! I don’t even have to see your face to do so. Your suffocating presence is more than enough.
Please, do people a favour. When you are in a line, take one step back from the person in front of you. Make sure to keep that distance at all times and include trollies and carts. One day someone is going to lose their shit. There will be blood and chaos! Oh god, I never want to go shopping, or out in public again. Damn it, now I feel sick. See what happens when someone like me tries to talk about their aversions?
I do have smaller aversions as well, like people not following certain ‘rules’.
- Jaywalking makes me uneasy, more so if there are lights or a crossing near by.
- People walking anywhere on a footpath and not following keeping to the left rule annoy me, but its worse when it involves bike/pedestrian lanes. Just get to the left already, jesus.
- People not wearing appropriate footwear on escalators always makes me nervous (this is not an aversion like the others though, this is from an experience I had as a child when my foot got caught in the side of the escalator and I almost lost my toe).
- I need order around my head so my peripheral vision is not obstructed.
- When I’m highly stressed I need things to be where they are meant to be. I can’t tolerate too much disorder at times and need things like the draws to be neat.
- I don’t like gross exaggeration of time and direction.
- I don’t like random shit in my bookcase unless I put it there.
- I dislike it when people walk over the grass instead of following the footpath.
I will challenge all my aversions though. I’m thoroughly against being ruled by these things, especially now after having a body working against me for so long. Some of them flux and wane depending on stress levels and other things going on, but mostly my main ones are always there. The touching one has been there for so long I can’t remember how they began.
Thanks for reading some of my madness. I hope I didn’t sound too irrational…