It’s What’s New Wednesday time! It’s a chance for me to share what’s new in my non-writing and writing world. I have created other memes, Fucked up Friday, Motley Monday, Music Monday, Writing, Editing, Workout Wednesday, and the rare Foodie Friday, as a way to blog regularly.
Get a haircut and get a real job seems to be one of my favourite sayings lately. I have been on a disability pension for several years now, I fought hard for it after I fell ill with ME/CFS in 2005, and I have really needed the support. Now though, while I still need support to a degree, I feel I’m ready to begin working.
When it comes to re-entering the workforce, I’m asked often if I’m excited about it. Honestly? I don’t know. I feel so many different things when I think about working that I end up being confused and overwhelmed.
Of course I’m excited. I haven’t worked since August 2005. When life as you know it is taken away from you and you can’t work you begin to miss it something awful. I do remember what it was like to work. I remember what it was like to work when you hadn’t had enough sleep, when your boss was a jerk, the company you worked for was suspect, when you felt you didn’t get enough time in a day, and when you just craved some time off, but I still have envied those who can work.
I’m also nervous and it wasn’t until my first near-appointment with a job agency (I’m going with ones that help those with disabilities, this includes mental illness) that I realised how far I had come, but also how far I had to go.
It was a near-appointment for I had travelled to another part of Sydney for a confirmed appointment time only to be told I should have been alerted to my appointment change. Two hours for a trip to a suburb I hadn’t been to by myself before when I have anxiety, panic disorder, and get easily turned around and disorientated.
The experience made me realise I am capable of being rational now, I can react normally, but inside it’s a whole different story. My confidence is still low enough for me to question my reaction at having been told I made the trip needlessly. I wonder if it’s the reaction I should have had, should I have said something? Should I have let my anger and disappointment be known?
What else could I do though, except for tell them no harm done and just go on my way? Unfortunately I didn’t just go on my way, just like I took the wrong turn walking on the way there. I have this issue where, it’s not a matter of being lost either for I know I will not lose my way in a city or metropolitan area, my feet will just lead me somewhere. I’m meant to be going straight, but I turn right. I’m meant to be going to a shop near me, but end up on the other side of the shopping centre.
I know it’s happening to, but I haven’t figured out how to stop it. It just happens. I caught a train to the near-appointment and took the wrong turn twice while walking to the location. I then ended up taking another wrong turn, even though I had the train station in sight, on the way back and ended up going around a block.
This eventually brought me to an Indian confectionary store. Now, I do eat Indian on rare occasion, but I’ve always avoided it because I’m not a fan of curry and spicy foods. Naturally I’m not up to speed on Indian dishes and have no idea when it comes to Indian confectionary.
When shit like this happens it’s almost like I’m on auto pilot. I know what’s going on, but my body is moving beyond my conscious control. I end up making decisions beyond my conscious control as well, so I learnt the other day, even though I’m questioning what I’m doing. The inner voice is soft though, not loud as it is usually. It’s only nudging and expressing its concerns from far away.
I ended up buying something from the store, even though I didn’t know what it was, and eventually got to the train station. Before then I had been a seething mess. After all this time of being medicated and getting help for my mental illness, I realise I still have to work hard to avoid black moods. After the near-appointment I ended up on the verge of completely falling into one. The violent thoughts entering my usually peaceful, well pacifist, mind were bombarding me to the point of disturbing me. They were so forceful I had to sit down and I felt my vision narrowing. I wanted to lie down, curl up in a ball, and die. This thought process scared the shit out of me and all because of lost communication.
I spent the majority of the rest of the day fighting that black mood. Black moods are what bring me to the brink of hurting myself, they’re what suck the life out of me to the point I can’t look at sharp objects anymore, they force me to lie around catatonically from being so exhausted at the weight of them.
I have a ways to go and while I don’t wish to visit the suburb of the job agency again for some time, I seem to have placed a negative feeling to it, I am going to keep trying to find help in getting a job. I can’t go backwards. There is only forwards.