Bonnie Sparks Writes

…fiction and discusses editing, writing, mental illness, chronic conditions, bunnies, food, fitness, and geeky topics.


Leave a comment

My Title Ideas Are the Best

Been a while! Oh my! Things are happening. You’ll excuse me if I go a bit nutty right now. I’ve had a full night’s sleep, I’ve consumed my fair share of caffeine today, and when it comes down to it I am a clown. So there’s that.

Also, it’s just been a really long time. It’s been so long since I blogged that I forgot my WP username and do not recognise WP anymore. Holy shit balls. From blogging addict to Oh yeah, that’s right, I have blogs. I honestly did not predict that happening.

As an aside, I do not like the look of my blog now. I’m going to change all the things. At some point. When time permits. I think I’ll also dump all my old posts into the one category and semi-clean slate it. That will be later though, when I can get my shit together…

What I really have on my mind lately is the crazy changes long-term illness can bring about and the one thing I didn’t contemplate when I was in the midst of it.

You’re living your life. You know who you are. You know what you love, like, dislike, and absolutely loathe. You understand your character. You’re making progress with understanding your internal struggles and their origins. You just know yourself.

Then BAM. A mysterious, isolating, confusing, and debilitating illness derails your life. You end up not being able to do anything you knew or enjoyed before. You need to adapt and in this process you lose yourself. Nine years. Nine years of being derailed and losing yourself. Nine years of adapting to another life and accepting it.

Then you begin to recover. You eventually come out of the other side of the illness-limbo. It’s shocking. You have forgotten things about yourself from before you were ill, but you also remember some things. You realise you, as a person with everything you know about yourself, was put aside while the illness took over. Although you’re back in a way, you’re also someone else.

Now it’s time to learn.

This is what I’ve been doing for the last year. Learning. I’ve learnt even more this year than I did in 2014. I began to work full-time in 2014, became physically and financially independent (finally), had a long-term relationship end (all things end), moved house, and well… found myself out there in the world completely independent and marvelling at all the things life has to offer.

It’s been interesting. I lost my last job, was retrenched, and now have two jobs. I live in an incredible place with incredible people and I love those people. We’re like a little family. I come home and I like to catch up with them and I want to know what they’re doing in their lives. We have family dinner and lunches. I’m so content with my life I can’t find the words.

Anyway, so on another day I’ll probably start listing all the things I’ve learnt and am re-learning about myself. I do like to keep records. It’s a habit I’ve brought with me from the blurry days of illness, but also I believe it is the writer in me. Let’s not forget the OCD though… That’s still there. Ha!

Thanks for reading.

Advertisements


Leave a comment >

My favourite aspect of ME/CFS is when it surprises you.

Go to have a glass of water, miss my mouth, spill said liquid all down my front.

Such a regular occurence I am not going to change my clothes.

Come at me ME. I can tolerate a wet dress. What else you got?